Struggling...


I have noticed that the closer we get to a holiday, it seems the ghosts come out.
Figuratively I mean. The past few days, I have been flooded with memories and nostalgia for the ones that we have lost in our family, namely my parents and grandparents. I still have the Christmas spirit and get excited to give presents, but it's tinged with a hint of sadness. The sting of grief is still strong when it comes to my dad. This is only the second Christmas without him. It's the 21st without my mom. I really think that the tinge of sadness will never go away. I'll hear a song or smell something that will bring back memories of them. (Note to self, do not play Statler Brothers Christmas album while wrapping presents.)

My Grandma and Grandpa Stepp have been heavy on my heart lately too. Those were my mom's parents. My grandpa passed away five days after my mom. Grandma didn't pass away until a few years ago, so I had a little more time with her.

Normally, I can make it through without a problem, but here at the holidays, it becomes more distinct. I have bouts of tears at random times. Like today, I was driving to pick up Bubby and one of my mom's favorite songs came on the radio. (Country Roads by John Denver) I became verklempt. But, I have learned, in my old age, how to power through. I try to focus on the present. And find comfort in the fact that I know that they are with us. I just wish it was in body form.

Comments

  1. I think that as you ve become an adult that you realize things that you didn't before. I was able to see that in your post.

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